Epitaph Blog

Here at Epitaph we’re quite fond of our recent signing Frank Turner.  So fond, in fact that we listed a few basic truths about the man.  Similarites to Chuck Norris?  Perhaps, but only because all great men have common ground.

• – Guns don’t kill people. Frank Turner kills People.
• - There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Frank Turner allows to live.
• - Frank Turner does not sleep. He waits.
• - The chief export of Frank Turner is Pain.
• - There is no chin under Frank Turner’s Beard. There is only another fist.

• – Frank Turner has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
• – The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Frank Turner 3. Cancer.
• – Frank Turner drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• – Frank Turner is my Homeboy.
• – Frank Turner doesn’t go hunting…. FRANK TURNER GOES KILLING.
• – Frank Turner uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
• – Frank Turner once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• – Crop circles are Frank Turner’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• – Frank Turner is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• – The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Frank Turner out. It failed miserably.
• – Contrary to popular belief, Frank Turner, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• – Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Frank Turner has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
• – If you ask Frank Turner what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ‘til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ‘til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• – Frank Turner drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• – When Frank Turner sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Frank Turner has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• – The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Frank Turner’ fist.
• – Frank Turner invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• – CNN was originally created as the “Frank Turner Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• – Frank Turner can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• – There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Frank Turner allows to live.
• – Frank Turner once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• – What was going through the minds of all of Frank Turner’ victims before they died? His shoe.
• – Frank Turner is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• – Police label anyone attacking Frank Turner as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
• – Frank Turner doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• – Frank Turner doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• – A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Frank Turner and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• – Frank Turner will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• – Someone once videotaped Frank Turner getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
• – If you spell Frank Turner in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• – Frank Turner originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Turner replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• – Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Frank Turner once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
• – The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Frank Turner played in second grade.
• – Frank Turner once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
• – Frank Turner once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Frank Turner re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• – Frank Turner has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• – Someone once tried to tell Frank Turner that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• – Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Frank Turner once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• – Frank Turner is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Frank Turner.
• – Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Frank Turner’s warm-up exercises.
• – Frank Turner is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• – In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Frank Turner turned that wine into beer.
• – Frank Turner can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
• – Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Frank Turner.
• – Frank Turner discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Frank Turner is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Frank Turner roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• – Frank Turner doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
• – The Frank Turner military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Frank Turner could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• – In an average living room there are 1,242 objectsFrank Turner could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• – According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Frank Turner walks.
• – When Frank Turner goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• – There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Frank Turner has breathed on.
• – Frank Turner once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Frank Turner won by 5.
• – Frank Turner was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• – Frank Turner sheds his skin twice a year.
• – Frank Turner didn’t steal this from Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris stole this from Frank Turner.

Tags: chuck norris, Frank turner

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 1st, 2009 at 10:12 am and is filed under Frank turner. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.